Pete, She Wrote
by Formerly Chilltown
Summary: Riku fails a math test.
1. Deckhand Cloud

**So this story might not do so well...** because nobody likes Pete. In fact, besides my other two fanfics I wrote, there's only about five or six others.

So in order to attract a bigger audience, I'm throwing in a lot of the Final Fantasy cameos and Organization XIII members and tell how they came to be, if they crossed paths with Pete, that is. Like Reno/Axel guy. I plan to make fic go as long as people review and/or read it. Flames are cool, as long as it's in a review. xD

_If I make anyone upset because I made fun of a character they like, don't get too mad. It's all in good fun, and Pete's the one taking most of the crap. Everyone gets a little share of ridicule in this fanfic._

Enjoy? :D?

* * *

Sora, Riku, Kairi, and the rest of the Destiny Islands gang began playing their umpteenth UNO game in a row at Sora's house.

"Alright, we're going to play again, but this time nobody can have any fun," said Riku as he dealt the cards to everyone.

They all groaned in unison.

Nobody seemed to be having any fun anyway, except for Sora who had built up a passionate relationship with Riku over the summer, and he wasn't ashamed to let anybody find out. They had been feeling on each other up and down all day, but everyone was too bored to notice. Kairi, Sora's canon love interest, was completely oblivious to this beautiful love. Too bad for her.

"Make it green." Tidus set his Wild card on the top of the stack and smiled as if he had done something cool.

"Listen, everybody." Kairi threw her cards down and scowled. "This is really boring. I want to do something _else_." She eyed Sora like a cut of prime rib.

"Umm, yeah. We could do that... y' know. Later." Sora was preoccupied at the moment as he was hugging Riku's bulging bicep as if he would never see him again.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"It's the answer to my prayers!" Kairi squealed. "Finally, a real man has come to sweep me away from-"

The door busted down as Wakka went to answer it, landing on top of him. This was _not_ the kind of man Kairi was looking for. This was not the the kind of man _anyone_ was looking for. The hulking mass of fat made its way into the living room, crushing Wakka as he stepped on the fallen door.

It was Pete.

"Pete?" Sora lost any hopes for an erection that day. "What are you doing in my house?"

"Hey, kids! Ol' Pete thought he'd shtop on by 'cause he got kicked out of his apartment!" he said in third person. "Sho my only friend in da entire univere, as I recall, is you, Shora!"

"We're... not friends." Sora turned to everybody and assuredly gave them a thumbs-up.

"Of coursh we are! Ya remembered my name, didn'tcha?" Pete flopped on the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table, knocking the UNO cards off. "Now, how 'bout a shtory to pass da time?"

They all groaned in unison.

"Hmm... let's shee..." Pete thought as hard as he could manage to think of a story. "I don't rearry remember no shtories. How 'bout I go way back when I was a shteamboat captain?

_Now it all shtarted when..._

"Mickey!" Pete yelled at the top of his lungs. "Don't you go quittin' on me!"

It was useless. The silent protagonist had already ran off to do something else with a big smile on his face. Pete was all out of employees, and he needed a new deckhand. Quick. With a panic to the left and a nervous twitch to the right, he saw him.

In plain sight was the most fantastic sailor he'd even seen. Dressed in a bright white Fauntleroy suit, the boy had wonderful blond hair, a beaming smile, muscular build, and rosy-red cheeks.

"You! You over there wit da cheeks 'nd all dat!"

"Aye aye, Cap'n Pete!" The sailor saluted and puffed out his chest. "How may I be of service to you, Captain?"

"Sho ya know me already, do ya? Dat's good! Dat's really good!"

"Golly, do I?! You're only the coolest captain _ever!_" The sailor stuck out his hand. "My name's Cloud. Cloud Strife."

"Croud, eh? How'd ya like ta work on my shteamboat, Croud?"

--

"Wait, wait, wait!" Sora interrupted the story. "Cloud was your _deckhand?_ And why the hell are you still in my house?!"

"Yup. Ol' Croud was a good deckhand, and he alsho knew how ta bake a pretty mean ham too." Pete sighed and rubbed his gut. "Ah, dose were da days..."

_But after a few months, tings shtarted ta turn shour..._

"Croud!" Pete bellowed. "Dis is da third time 'dis week you showed up rate!"

"Sorry, Cap'n Pete." Cloud started looking paler, and his hair was much grimier than usual. "I've been very busy lately."

Truth was, Cloud had been playing a new video game. It was hot off the shelves, and it was very addictive with its rich, deep storyline with characters with interesting personalities. He had bought it and spent most of his free time playing it. He didn't eat, sleep, or shower much- only when he had to. The game was taking total control of his life, and Pete started to take notice. It started off with Cloud not showing up for work early like he usually did. Instead of arriving on the clock, he would start to show up for work a few minutes late, and some days he wouldn't go to work at all. Pete had to intervene before this game took over Cloud's life.

They call the game _Final Fantasy_.

"Croud, ya gotta shtop prayin' Finar Fantashy or yer gonna become socially inept- rike me. And yer gonna be fat and worthless- rike me." Pete put his arm on Cloud's shoulder to sympathize. "Yer gonna hafta take a break frum da game and focus on yer rife around ya."

Upon hearing this, Cloud threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions. He slung Pete's arm off his shoulders as tears streamed down his face. Breathing became difficult for Cloud as he screamed and hiccuped.

"You -hic- don't know Final -hic- Fantasy! I love -hic- it, and that's all I need for the -hic- rest of my -hic- life! I don't need this stupid -hic- job, and I don't need -hic- _you!_"

Cloud stormed off, his face buried in his hands. Pete felt bad for the boy, but what could he do? Cloud's Final Fantasy addiction was taking control of his life, and it needed to be stopped before it was too late. Pete knew what he had to do.

Although they were in the age of the Industrial Revolution, Pete checked out an anime cosplay site. After making some purchases on his credit card, he waited for the mail to come in.

That took a few weeks.

Nearly dying to death, Pete realized the package came in a few days ago and was just sitting outside by his mailbox for nothing. He opened the box and donned the blue and red armor inside. It fit his character so well, and it even had a lot of pockets and useless add-ons for style. Pete liked it.

Knocking on Cloud's door, Pete yelled, "Croud, if 'dis is da only way I can shave you from a fate of prayin' Finar Fantashy ev'ry day of yer rife, den I challenge you to a Finar Fantashy fight!"

Cloud walked out the door dressed in nothing but black, looking like a bad-ass Final Fantasy character. He even had a giant sword with a bunch of cloth wrapped around it to make him look angsty.

"This is it..." Cloud muttered. "The final battle."

Needless to say, Pete got his ass handed to him.

--

"Wait, so you and Cloud fought? How's that supposed to get him to stop playing a video game?" Selphie asked, mildly interested in the story.

"Well, it didn't. Since ol' Pete had rost da battle, Croud thought he was hot shtuff and moved away."

_I remember dee exact words he shaid to me dat night..._

"I'm taking the next train to Radiant Garden," Cloud hissed. "Hopefully there I can meet other Final Fantasy fans there and we can go on adventures and get in swordfights."

Cloud left, and it began raining. Pete just lay where he fell and soaked it all in. He had bought armor from a cosplay store and got whooped by the biggest nerd in town. Man, the guys at the bar were gonna get a kick out of this one...

"So Cloud turned out to be an big video game cosplayer, and then he kicked your ass, eh Pete?" his friend at the bar asked, laughing after he finished speaking. "I bet you feel pretty lame-ass, huh?"

"Shut up, Reno!" Pete gulped down a pint. "He had a huge coshpray sword, and I didn't have nothin'!"

"Yo, bartender!" Reno banged obnoxiously on the counter. "Get my boy here in the red and blue armor another beer, yo! He's down in the dumps right now, am I right?"

The bartender nodded and slid Pete another pint of fizzy beer.

"You heard dat dey finally finished da Disney Castle?" Pete asked. "Dey're supposed to go through and pick out our new king by next week. I wonder who da runt's gonna be."

"Who knows, yo. If he don't look promising, we'll just run off to Radiant Garden to get in swordfights, eh pal?"

"I shaid shut up!" Pete laughed and shoved Reno jokingly.

--

"Pete, I said get out of my house!" Sora's grip tightened out of frustration, much to Riku's discomfort as his hand was stroking his man-parts. Now he was just crushing them.

"Aww, c'mon Shora! We still have a rotta shtory ta cover, and I'm not even to da part where I run for king yet!"

Pete, Kairi, Riku, Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka(under the door) let out a full-hearted laugh while Sora, with his hand, motioned a gun shooting his head.

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER  
**

Review? Even flames are accepted- just ANYTHING. xD

If anyone would like me to go over something from Kingdom Hearts in the story, just tell me, and I'll work it into it. It's not all just gonna be about Pete, y' know.


	2. Disposing of Xehanort

**Well, haven't I accomplished something!** No. I managed to continue writing on a crap fic instead of working on _Better Class of Villain_, my assured masterwork.

_If I make anyone upset because I made fun of a character they like, don't get too mad. It's all in good fun, and Pete's the one taking most of the crap. Everyone gets a little share of ridicule in this fanfic._

I'm also trying to tone down Pete's speech pattern a little so it's easier to read.

Enjoy! Read and review!

* * *

"Two chapters in one day, Pete? Don't you think you should slow down?" Riku asked. "Only sixteen people read this fanfic anyway."

"I know it's stretch, but I gotta lot of shtory left ta tell!" Pete got up and stood in front of an American flag. "It's my patriotic duty!"

Pete immediately got tired again and had to sit down. Catching his breath from all the exercise he just did, the rotund cat began telling his story again.

_Sho where were we? Oh right. I figured I'd run for king of Disney Castle since I was a crappy shteamboat captain..._

It was election week in Timeless River, and it was crucial for all the candidates to go out and campaign. Now, kings aren't usually elected, but they had to start the royal family off somewhere. The hopefuls were Pete, a man named Xehanort, and Pete's old deckhand Mickey Mouse. Xehanort, the most capable of ruling over a nation, was ahead in the polls with a whopping sixty-three percent. It just so happened to be that Pete was losing in the polls with zero percent, so he had to do something drastic.

Late one night Pete took a cab to Xehanort's house with harmful intentions. Knocking on the door, Pete readied his crowbar behind his back as he waited for the man to answer. The door creaked open, and a smooth, deep voice asked...

"Who is it?"

"Uhh... da milk man."

The door started to open up, much to Pete's liking. "Well, I don't know why you're delivering this late at night, but I rea-"

_Crack._

Pete hoisted the man over his shoulder and got back in the cab.

"I didn't see nothin'," the cabbie said as Pete handed him an extra twenty munny.

The cab sped to the train station where Pete bought himself and the unconscious Xehanort overnight tickets to Radiant Garden. He promptly boarded the train, clocking Xehanort one more time in case he woke up soon.

The two stepped into their cabin for the night, and surprisingly, another young man was in their seats. He looked sixteen, almost seventeen, and he had jet black hair that made him look rebellious and interesting. Pete sat Xehanort down on the other seat while he joined the boy.

"Guess dey ran outta seats with all deez coshprayers on da train." Pete tried to strike up a conversation with the kid. "Sho, uh, gonna go to Radiant Garden to be a coshprayer?"

"No." he answered. "I'm going to study under Ansem the Wise. And, may I ask... Is that a dead man you're carrying around with you, or does he just have narcolepsy?"

"Uhh. Naw, he's just unconscious. I gotta bring him to Radiant Garden sho I can be king of da castle!"

"Oh, so you're a candidate for king, are you? Pete, Mickey Mouse, or Xehanort?"

"Pete's da name!"

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Pete. I'm Ienzo."

They exchanged dialogue for a while, and after becoming good friends, they went to sleep laying down on opposite sides of the train booth. Xehanort got pushed on the floor. They were awoken abruptly as the train went nonstop to Radiant Garden. Pete and Ienzo parted ways after they left the train station. Pete abandoned Xehanort in an alleyway where no one could see and board the next train back to Timeless River.

--

"Wait, so you knew Zexion before he became a Nobody?" Riku asked with some zeal.

"Uhh, yup... Shora, is dat yer hand on Riku's-"

"No it isn't." Sora's eyes shifted left and right.

_Anyways... I turned out ta be a crappy poritician too, sho I rost da erection..._

"Gosh, Pete." Mickey grew out of his 'silent protagonist' phase. "No hard feelin's, huh?"

"Uhh, I guess it's alright. Ol' Pete's just gonna go..."

"Wait! How 'bout you stay in the castle 'nd you can be my bodyguard?"

"OooOoOOoh! Would I?!"

Pete accepted the offer but did a horrible job. The muggers that attacked the king would end up beating the snot out of Pete and then decide it wasn't worth it. After a few months of ridicule, Mickey finally got new bodyguards, which were his two best friends- Donald Duck and Goofy. Donald always got in plenty of fights in bars and at work because of his short temper, and Goofy was just strong. Pete was immediately demoted to Royal Steamboat Captain. Pete was pissed because he never knew how to work a steamboat in the first place.

Then he got demoted even more to Royal Cosplayer.

"...sho then my foot got shtuck in da bucket, and dey had to take me to da doctor 'cause I got a sprinter!" Pete whined as he downed a mug of beer.

"You'll get your big break one day, yo." Reno followed his lie with a laugh. "At least you're livin' large in the castle, while an everyday kinda guy like me has to live like crap."

Pete had a most excellent idea just then and took Reno by the hand, running out of the bar.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Reno yelled. "What's the idea? If you're too drunk, I can-"

"Reno! I finarry got it! We're gonna overthrow da king!"

Reno ran a hand through his unkempt red hair. "I don't know about that, yo. Isn't he and his two bodyguards trainin' under some unnamed sorcerer? Could get pretty messy on our part, yo."

After a well-thought-out explanation by Pete, Reno agreed to help Pete with his ingenious-

"That didn't happen! I didn't agree to any of that crap, yo!" Reno barked.

"But what about my aweshum speech?"

"You read right from _Unsung Heroes_ by havelocke on the fanfiction website!"

"Oh."

--

"Lemme just interrupt my own shtory for a sec, and ask- Can somebody go get me somethin' ta eat?" Pete waved a pouch of munny in the air.

Wakka started to lift the door off of himself. "I'll g-"

Tidus took the munny and ran out the doorway, trampling all over Wakka and crushing him again.

"Where was I?"**  
**

"You were on the part where you and your friend Reno were talking about overthrowing King Mickey," Kairi said.

_Oh yeah. Well, to make a rong shtory short..._

Pete and Reno snuck into King Mickey's chamber that night and gave him the wedgie of a lifetime. They were subsequently banished to another dimension.

--

"Holy hell!" Riku shouted. "King Mickey's an asshole!"

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER**

So I'm getting somewhere with this fic, and hopefully it does well once I stop changing the title and summary. Which DID change.


	3. This is Chapter 3!

Nobody reads this shit anyways.

xD

* * *

"Dis shtory ain't doin' too well," Pete said, rubbing his chin. "Why is dat, Riku?"

"Because people would rather a comical life story of _mine_ rather than some stupid, fat Disney character."

"Oh."

Pete munched on his fifth bacon cheeseburger, making a mess all over Sora's couch; some drool and burger bits dripped on Kairi. With one finger, he shoved the rest of it in his mouth and continued on with his story.

"Pete, get the fuck outta my house!" Sora screamed.

_Okay, sho me and my buddy Reno got banished to anudder dimension..._

They found themselves in a big, bustling city. Traffic jams and crowded sidewalks. After asking around, Reno found out that the world they were in was called Japan.

"We need a new idea for a video game..." Tetsuya Nomura said in a building high above. "Something the teenagers are into, with some cool, new character. Someone like..."

Nomura took a look out the window and saw the next hottest video game character. He sent for two game designers to go fetch the pedestrians.

--

"Wait, wait, wait!" Sora cut in as he shoved his hand in RIku's pants. "You can't use real-life people! This story could be reported or deleted, and I don't wanna be a part of it!

Sora pouted a little, but everyone liked Pete's story so much that no one cared. Riku urged that Sora keep stroking his groin. Reluctantly, Sora stayed.

"Who cares if dey report da shtory?" Pete waved his hand dismissively. "It's not even dat good!"

_Sho we got called up to da video game man's offish to dishcuss shumtin' about shum kinda video game..._

"You two are _perfect!_" Nomura cheered as he scribbled in a notebook. "It's a role-playing game with you, Pete, as the main protagonist. And you, Reno, are his best friend. You are two overlooked heroes living on the tropical Destiny Islands. You two and Pete's love interest want to leave the island and go to other worlds. Reno surrenders to Darkness, and the 'heart of the world' get consumed by creatures called Heartless. Pete is given a powerful weapon- the Keyblade. Then he and two famous Nintendo characters- Luigi and Dry Bones- go on an adventure to other Nintendo-themed worlds! It's genius! I'll contact Shigeru Miyamoto at once!"

Nomura ran out the room with a beaming smile.

"Reno, 'dis is perfect! We can finally be cool!" Pete was as giddy as a schoolgirl.

"Pete, I was already cool. I got laid like, four times a week. I also had a condo and lakefront property. You're a 375-pound cosplayer with a lisp."

"Oh."

Reno stood up from his chair and headed out of the room; he needed to return to his homeworld somehow. All that they knew was that they were in another dimension, and the world they were in was called Japan. Reno didn't know much about other worlds, different dimensions, or magic, but he knew one way to return home...

"Reno, what're ya doin'?" Pete asked, picking his nose.

"I'm giving into the Darkness in my heart so I can return home."

"Oh."

Some weird crap happened and Reno turned into a Heartless.

"Ahh!" Pete got scared and killed the Heartless.

Pete looked around to see if anyone saw that and ran away. He lived under a park bench for the time being, until his new video game hit the market. Nomura went to a lot of press conferences where he discussed plot elements of the game. His red and blue cosplay armor made Pete an international celebrity among anime and Nintendo fans alike.

The game was to be called _Pete_.

--

"That sounds like a stupid game." Kairi crossed her arms and flipped her hair. Then she did that annoying giggle thing that KH fanbases say she does.

Pete thought about the game for a moment, resting his chin on his hand.

"Shut up, kid. I ain't gettin' paid to listen to yer crap."

"You're not our babysitter, Pete. We don't even need babysitters; we're sixteen."

"Oh."

_Den I, uhh... I told him about what happened to Reno..._

Nomura was pissed.

"Fuck you, Pete!" Nomura chucked a coffee mug at the fat moron.

Pete hauled ass out of Nomura's office and crawled back under his bench. Soon after, he was evicted by the local police. Life sucked for our hero Pete.

"Aww, man." Pete sat in a murky jail cell all by his lonesome. "Dis shucks. I got banished from my home. My best friend became a Heartress. Den I killed it. Nomura got pished and don't want me in his video game no more, and now I'm in jail!"

A pillar of green flames lit up the Pete's cell. Out from it stepped a beautiful woman. She was scantily-clad and had healthy blond hair.

"Mmkay, hi. I'm Maleficent, and you're like, gonna be my henchman."

"OKAY!!"

Pete skipped through the portal with Maleficent to a beautiful castle. She explained to him that she wanted to get rid of all the Heartless so all the worlds could live in peace. Because Pete couldn't make good decisions for himself, he agreed.

One day Pete was lifting a heavy girder to build himself a cool no-girls-allowed treehouse whenever Maleficent called for him.

"Pete! Could you like, come here for a sec?" she said in her typical valley girl voice.

"Huh?" He turned around with the girder, and that's when it happened.

_Whack!_

Pete accidentally hit Maleficent in the face with the girder, and she had to be brought to the hospital. It had been a few months, and by then, then castle looked run-down under Pete's care. He really fucked the place up. When Maleficent got out of the hospital, it was horrible.

She looked like a withered old hag dressed in horrid black robes. Her voice was disgusting, and she lost all her hair. Pete was disappointed.

"Marifishent! Why do ya rook like all ugly 'nd stuff?" Pete asked.

"Because of _you_, you blithering fool! Now I have a new plan! I want you to turn everybody into a Heartless so that I can rule all worlds and be the mistress of all Evil! Ahahahaha!"

"Well, yer not hot no more, sho... I don't wanna."

"You owe me, you fat fuck!"

--

"So Maleficent used to be really hot before you screwed her over?" Riku asked Pete.

"Uh huh. She was totarry, _totarry_ hot." Pete remembered the good ol' days.

Riku got up and punched him square in the jaw.

"You moron! You fucked things over for everybody! Now everyone thinks Namine and Tifa are the pretty ones! Namine ain't shit! She looks like Kairi except worse!" Riku was pissed.

"Hey!" Kairi pointed an accusing finger at Riku. "All the fangirls just think you're hot because they're fifteen year-old Twilight fans! Even Goofy has a bigger dick than you!"

"Fuck you, you crazy bitch!" Riku shouted, standing from his seat. "The only fanbase you have is the thirteen year-old boys who move the camera around in the second game just to look up your skirt to see your stupid, ugly, flat ass! _Biiitch!_"

Riku and Kairi got into the biggest, most epic fistfight ever imaginable. Pete, Sora, Tidus, and Selphie just sat back and watched.

"Hey guys, I think I'm-" Wakka got crushed again when Riku fell on the door. He got back up and punched Kairi in the gut several times.

"Well damn." Sora was awestruck. "Let's go ahead and wrap this chapter up before we offend any more fandoms."

"I tink da next part of da shtory is when I go try out for da Organization. Den shumthin' about when I shee Croud again at a coshplayin' convention.

**NEXT TIME ON **_**PETE, SHE WROTE**_**...**

"Just fill out forms 28A through 46-1, and we'll get back to you within the week," Xemnas said, handing Pete some forms.

"Man, I wish I knew how ta read."

* * *

**END OF CHAPTER  
**


	4. Angsty Ending

Riku reattached his arm, and Kairi collected her teeth laying on the floor; they sat back down to listen to Pete tell his story again. The tension settled down, and Sora went back to kissing Riku's neck.

"Is it just me, or does it look like Sora and Riku are-"

"No we're not." Sora cut Selphie off immediately.

_Sho den Marifishent told me to go to dat world wif da people all livin' in da place where it ain't got no day or night 'cause it's always in da evenin' time-_

"Pete, get out of my house." Sora stood up and acted like a man.

"Oh, you're such a man!" Kairi giggled and smothered him with her crotch.

Pete got uber pissed, and straight up punched Tidus in his mouth. Wakka finally got out from under the door and shanked Pete in the backfat.

"How can a moshquito shurvive in 'dis kind of shaltwater environment?" Pete reached around to feel what just stuck him in the backfat.

_Bang._

Sora, arm outstretched, stood in the middle of the room holding a small revolver. Pete's stood with his hand covering the bloody gunshot wound in his heart. He felt _cold_. Stumbling slightly, Pete fell over in silence.

And that was all she wrote.

**END OF STORY**


End file.
